wǒ huí lái le

我回来了

I am back

xǐ shuā shuā xǐ shuā shuā xǐ shuā shuā

洗刷刷 洗刷刷 洗刷刷

Brush, brush, brush, brush, brush, brush

áo áo xǐ shuā shuā

嗷 嗷 洗刷刷

Aoao scrubbing brush

shī dì

师弟

Junior Brother

shī dì

师弟

Junior Brother

shī dì jiù jiù wǒ

师弟 救救我

Brother, save me

shī fù kuài lái ya wǒ cuō chū shén dēng jīng líng la kuài lái xǔ yuàn a

师父 快来呀 我搓出神灯精灵啦 快来许愿啊

Come master, I'll make a magic lamp genie, come and make a wish

děng děng shī dì nǐ gǎo cuò la

等等 师弟你搞错啦

Wait, brother, you made a mistake

shī dì nǐ méi shì ba

师弟 你没事吧

Brother, are you okay?

shén me zì shā le

什么 自杀了

What committed suicide

wǒ bù shì zhǐ ràng nǐ bǎ tā dài huí lái

我不是只让你把他带回来

I didn't just ask you to bring him back

rén rén jiā yě méi xiǎng dào huì zhè yàng ma

人 人家也没想到会这样嘛

No one thought it would be like this

nǐ yě guài rén jiā hēng

你也怪人家 哼

You blame others too

āi suàn le

唉 算了

Oh forget it

rén gè yǒu mìng bù guǎn rú hé

人各有命 不管如何

No matter how people have their lives

jiāng lái yě suàn shì wǎng hǎo de fāng xiàng qián jìn le

将来也算是往好的方向前进了

In the future, we will be heading in a good direction.

duì le

对了

correct

hái yǒu yī jiàn shì dìng hǎi shén zhēn dà yǔ nà yǐ yòng wán

还有一件事 定海神针大禹那已用完

One more thing Dinghaishenzhen Dayu has run out

wǒ jiù gěi ná huí lái le

我就给拿回来了

I'll get it back

zhèng hǎo nǐ zhè zuì jìn bù tài píng

正好你这最近不太平

It just so happens that you are not at peace recently

fàng zài nǐ zhè bāng dì zhèn zhèn hǎi

放在你这帮地镇镇海

Put it in your group, Zhenhai

wǒ yǐ jīng jiāng jù dà huà de néng lì zhù rù qí zhōng

我已经将巨大化的能力注入其中

I have injected huge power into it

suō fàng kǒu jué shì rú yì rú yì suí wǒ xīn yì kuài kuài xiǎn líng

缩放口诀是 如意如意 随我心意 快快显灵

The formula for zooming is Ruyi, Ruyi, follow my heart and show up quickly

rú guǒ jiāng lái yǒu zhǐ hóu zi zhǎo nǐ yào

如果将来有只猴子找你要

If a monkey asks you in the future

nǐ gěi tā biàn shì

你给他便是

You give it to him

jì dé jiào tā suō fàng rú yì de kǒu jué

记得叫他缩放如意的口诀

Remember to call him the formula

hái yǒu bié sī yòng

还有 别私用

Don't use it privately

shuí huì sī yòng a tǎo yàn la nǐ

谁会私用啊 讨厌啦你

Who would use it privately? I hate you

hē

呵

Ah

kuài shǐ yòng hùn tiān líng hēng hēng hā xī

快使用混天绫 哼哼哈兮

Hurry up and use Hun Tian Ling

kuài shǐ yòng hùn tiān líng hēng hēng hā xī

快使用混天绫 哼哼哈兮

Hurry up and use Hun Tian Ling

shī fù shī fù yǒu shén dēng jīng líng a kuài lái xǔ yuàn a

师父 师父 有神灯精灵啊 快来许愿啊

Master, Master has a magic lamp genie, come and make a wish

nǐ yòu pǎo zhe pǎo zhe shuāi jiāo le a

你又跑着跑着摔跤了啊

You ran and wrestled again

shī fù shī fù nǐ zài nǎ a

师父 师父 你在哪啊

Master, where are you?

nǐ yā zhe ne

你压着呢

Are you pressing

a shī fù duì bù qǐ nǐ méi shì ba

啊 师父 对不起 你没事吧

Ah, master, sorry, are you okay?

nǐ kàn wǒ xiàng shì méi shì ma

你看我像是没事吗

Do you think i'm okay

nǐ dào shì qǐ lái a

你倒是起来啊

You are getting up

shī fù shī fù

师父 师父

Master Master

shì nǐ

是你

It's you

shén dēng jīng líng zài shàng qǐng shí xiàn zài xià de yuàn wàng ba

神灯精灵在上 请实现在下的愿望吧

The magic lamp genie is on the top, please fulfill your wish on the bottom

dōu shuō le wǒ bù shì shén dēng jīng líng la

都说了我不是神灯精灵啦

I've said that I'm not a magic lamp genie

shī fù nǐ hǎo dǎi shì gè shén xiān yǒu diǎn jié cāo hǎo bù hǎo a

师父  你好歹是个神仙有点节操好不好啊

Master, you're a fairy anyway, a little bit of integrity, OK?

ō zhè me shuō lái

噢 这么说来

Oh so to speak

nǐ shì huī zhǎng zì jǐn lóu

你是挥掌自尽喽

You waved yourself

bù shì zhè yàng de ya

不是这样的呀

It's not like this

dāng shí de qíng kuàng shì zhè yàng de

当时的情况是这样的

The situation was like this

diē dì

爹地

Daddy

zhè bèi zi néng dāng nǐ de ér zi

这辈子能当你的儿子

Can be your son in this life

nǎ zhā zhēn de fēi cháng kāi xīn

哪吒真的非常开心

Nezha is really happy

qǐng yuán liàng hái ér bù xiào

请原谅孩儿不孝

Please forgive the child for being unfilial

nǐ men de yǎng yù zhī ēn

你们的养育之恩

Your nurturing grace

nǎ zhā zhǐ néng lái shì zài bào le

哪吒只能来世再报了

Nezha can only report again in the next life

bù yào a

不要啊

No

nǎ zhā

哪吒

Nezha

diē dì mā mī

爹地 妈咪

Daddy Mommy

cǐ qiú hái gěi nǐ men hái ér qù yě

此球还给你们  孩儿去也

Give this ball back to your children

ō yuán lái fā shēng le zhè yàng de shì a

噢 原来发生了这样的事啊

Oh, this happened

ń jiāng zi yá xiàn yǐ xià shān

嗯 姜子牙现已下山

Well Jiang Ziya is down the mountain now

zài zhè gè jié gǔ yǎn shàng nǐ kě bù néng cuò guò

在这个节骨眼上你可不能错过

You can't miss it at this juncture

wèi shī jiù pò lì bāng nǐ zhòng sù ròu shēn ba

为师就破例帮你重塑肉身吧

As a teacher, make an exception to help you reshape your body

nǐ qiě tīng wèi shī zhǐ lìng huì yǒu yī huì ér shī qù yì shí

你且听为师指令 会有一会儿失去意识

You will lose consciousness for a while if you listen to the instructions of the teacher

bù bì jīng huāng piàn kè jí hǎo

不必惊慌 片刻即好

Don’t panic for a while

wèi shī huì yòng cǐ jīn dān zhèn shè zhù nǐ de hún pò

为师会用此金丹震慑住你的魂魄

As a teacher, I will use this golden pill to frighten your soul

shāo hòu biàn jiāng nǐ tuī rù ròu shēn zhī zhōng lái

稍后便将你推入肉身之中 来

I will push you into the flesh later

líng lóng zi

玲珑子

Linglongzi

sù qù wǔ lián chí cǎi xiē lián huā hé yè lái

速去五莲池采些莲花荷叶来

Quickly go to Wulianchi to pick some lotus leaves

shì shī fù

是 师父

Is the master

hái quē shá ne

还缺啥呢

What else is missing

shī fù zhè sān gè lián ǒu hái méi zhuāng shàng qù ne

师父 这三个莲藕还没装上去呢

Master, these three lotus roots haven't been installed yet

a líng lóng zhè sān gè lián ǒu bù yào le

啊 玲珑 这三个莲藕不要了

Ah Linglong, these three lotus roots are gone

nǐ kuài qù zhāi liǎng gè dà diǎn de mù guā lái

你快去摘两个大点的木瓜来

Go pick two bigger papaya

shī fù zuì jìn xǐ huān mù guā ma

师父最近喜欢木瓜吗

Does Master like papaya lately?

wèn zhè me duō gàn shén me kuài qù la

问这么多干什么 快去啦

Why are you asking so much?

ó

哦

Oh

nián shí wàn gè lěng xiào huà

2016年 十万个冷笑话

100,000 cold jokes in 2016

dì sān jì quán miàn shēng jí

第三季 全面升级

Comprehensive upgrade in the third quarter

kàn zhāo

看招

watch out

kuài shǐ yòng hùn tiān líng hēng hēng hā xī

快使用混天绫 哼哼哈兮

Hurry up and use Hun Tian Ling

nà ní

那尼

Nani

jì néng gèng jiā huá lì

技能更加华丽

Skills are more gorgeous

zhè gè jià shì

这个架势

This posture

rú lái shén tóu chuí

如来神头槌

Tathagata

zěn me huì yǒu zhè me cuò de zhāo shì a

怎么会有这么挫的招式啊

How could there be such a frustrating move?

xíng xiàng gèng jiā qīng shuǎng

形象更加清爽

The image is more refreshing

kàn wǒ léi wá biàn shēn

看我雷娃变身

Watch me Reva transform

biàn xíng jīn gāng a

变形金刚啊

Transformers

huà zhì gèng jiā jīng liáng

画质更加精良

Better picture quality

wǒ yǒu gè hǎo fāng àn

我有个好方案

I have a good plan

kě yǐ qīng sōng dì gàn diào tā

可以轻松地干掉他

Can kill him easily

luó xuán tiān chōng

螺旋 天冲

Spiral skycock

gēn nǐ péng yǒu shí jǐ nián

跟你朋友十几年

With your friend for more than ten years

méi xiǎng dào nǐ jū rán shì zhè yàng de rén

没想到你居然是这样的人

I didn't expect you to be such a person

nèi róng gèng jiā jiàn kāng

内容更加健康

Content is healthier

wǒ bù guǎn dào nǎ lǐ dōu huì xī yǐn lái yī xiē qí guài de dōng xī

我不管到哪里 都会吸引来一些奇怪的东西

I will attract strange things wherever I go

shòu bù zhù le

受不住了

Can't stand it anymore

gèng xìng gèng jiā pín fán

更性更加频繁

More sex more frequently

sān nián hòu shí wǔ nián hòu wǒ lēi gè guāi guāi

三年后 十五年后 我勒个乖乖

In three years and fifteen years, I will be a good boy

gù shì gèng jiā kē xué

故事更加科学

The story is more scientific

zhè cì jué duì bù huì ràng nǐ tū pò la

这次绝对不会让你突破啦

I won't let you break through this time

gèng duō jīng cǎi děng nǐ lái kàn

更多精彩等你来看

More exciting waiting for you

wǒ yào xiāo miè zhè gè shì jiè la

我要消灭这个世界啦

I want to destroy this world

yī zhí wèi chuàn chuàn xīng ér zhàn ba

一直为串串星而战吧

Keep fighting for the stars

wān dòu bào jú huā la

豌豆爆菊花啦

Pea and chrysanthemum

jiàn zhèng qí jì de shí kè

见证奇迹的时刻

A moment to witness a miracle

nǎ zhà zhī sǐ

哪咤之死

Nezha's death

shì yīn wèi tā wā bí kǒng de shí hòu dǎo zhì

是因为他挖鼻孔的时候导致

Because when he picked his nostrils

bìng yuán tǐ rù qīn le bí qiāng

病原体入侵了鼻腔

The pathogen invaded the nasal cavity

rán hòu jīng guò jìng mài jìn rù hǎi mián dòu

然后经过静脉进入海绵窦

Then enter the cavernous sinus through the vein

zuì hòu yǐn qǐ le lú qiāng gǎn rǎn

最后引起了颅腔感染

Finally caused a cranial cavity infection

shāng dài de shí hòu wèi shēng tiáo jiàn jí chà

商代的时候卫生条件极差

In the Shang Dynasty, sanitary conditions were extremely poor

nǎ zhà yòu yī xīn xiǎng sǐ wā le nà me yī xià

哪咤又一心想死 挖了那么一下

Nezha tried to dig again

yī kàn gǎn rǎn le

一看感染了

Seen to be infected

nà jiù zhè yàng sǐ le bei

那就这样死了呗

Then die like this