subtitles
wǒ huí lái le
我回来了
I am back
xǐ shuā shuā xǐ shuā shuā xǐ shuā shuā
洗刷刷 洗刷刷 洗刷刷
Brush, brush, brush, brush, brush, brush
áo áo xǐ shuā shuā
嗷 嗷 洗刷刷
Aoao scrubbing brush
shī dì
师弟
Junior Brother
shī dì
师弟
Junior Brother
shī dì jiù jiù wǒ
师弟 救救我
Brother, save me
shī fù kuài lái ya wǒ cuō chū shén dēng jīng líng la kuài lái xǔ yuàn a
师父 快来呀 我搓出神灯精灵啦 快来许愿啊
Come master, I'll make a magic lamp genie, come and make a wish
děng děng shī dì nǐ gǎo cuò la
等等 师弟你搞错啦
Wait, brother, you made a mistake
shī dì nǐ méi shì ba
师弟 你没事吧
Brother, are you okay?
shén me zì shā le
什么 自杀了
What committed suicide
wǒ bù shì zhǐ ràng nǐ bǎ tā dài huí lái
我不是只让你把他带回来
I didn't just ask you to bring him back
rén rén jiā yě méi xiǎng dào huì zhè yàng ma
人 人家也没想到会这样嘛
No one thought it would be like this
nǐ yě guài rén jiā hēng
你也怪人家 哼
You blame others too
āi suàn le
唉 算了
Oh forget it
rén gè yǒu mìng bù guǎn rú hé
人各有命 不管如何
No matter how people have their lives
jiāng lái yě suàn shì wǎng hǎo de fāng xiàng qián jìn le
将来也算是往好的方向前进了
In the future, we will be heading in a good direction.
duì le
对了
correct
hái yǒu yī jiàn shì dìng hǎi shén zhēn dà yǔ nà yǐ yòng wán
还有一件事 定海神针大禹那已用完
One more thing Dinghaishenzhen Dayu has run out
wǒ jiù gěi ná huí lái le
我就给拿回来了
I'll get it back
zhèng hǎo nǐ zhè zuì jìn bù tài píng
正好你这最近不太平
It just so happens that you are not at peace recently
fàng zài nǐ zhè bāng dì zhèn zhèn hǎi
放在你这帮地镇镇海
Put it in your group, Zhenhai
wǒ yǐ jīng jiāng jù dà huà de néng lì zhù rù qí zhōng
我已经将巨大化的能力注入其中
I have injected huge power into it
suō fàng kǒu jué shì rú yì rú yì suí wǒ xīn yì kuài kuài xiǎn líng
缩放口诀是 如意如意 随我心意 快快显灵
The formula for zooming is Ruyi, Ruyi, follow my heart and show up quickly
rú guǒ jiāng lái yǒu zhǐ hóu zi zhǎo nǐ yào
如果将来有只猴子找你要
If a monkey asks you in the future
nǐ gěi tā biàn shì
你给他便是
You give it to him
jì dé jiào tā suō fàng rú yì de kǒu jué
记得叫他缩放如意的口诀
Remember to call him the formula
hái yǒu bié sī yòng
还有 别私用
Don't use it privately
shuí huì sī yòng a tǎo yàn la nǐ
谁会私用啊 讨厌啦你
Who would use it privately? I hate you
hē
呵
Ah
kuài shǐ yòng hùn tiān líng hēng hēng hā xī
快使用混天绫 哼哼哈兮
Hurry up and use Hun Tian Ling
kuài shǐ yòng hùn tiān líng hēng hēng hā xī
快使用混天绫 哼哼哈兮
Hurry up and use Hun Tian Ling
shī fù shī fù yǒu shén dēng jīng líng a kuài lái xǔ yuàn a
师父 师父 有神灯精灵啊 快来许愿啊
Master, Master has a magic lamp genie, come and make a wish
nǐ yòu pǎo zhe pǎo zhe shuāi jiāo le a
你又跑着跑着摔跤了啊
You ran and wrestled again
shī fù shī fù nǐ zài nǎ a
师父 师父 你在哪啊
Master, where are you?
nǐ yā zhe ne
你压着呢
Are you pressing
a shī fù duì bù qǐ nǐ méi shì ba
啊 师父 对不起 你没事吧
Ah, master, sorry, are you okay?
nǐ kàn wǒ xiàng shì méi shì ma
你看我像是没事吗
Do you think i'm okay
nǐ dào shì qǐ lái a
你倒是起来啊
You are getting up
shī fù shī fù
师父 师父
Master Master
shì nǐ
是你
It's you
shén dēng jīng líng zài shàng qǐng shí xiàn zài xià de yuàn wàng ba
神灯精灵在上 请实现在下的愿望吧
The magic lamp genie is on the top, please fulfill your wish on the bottom
dōu shuō le wǒ bù shì shén dēng jīng líng la
都说了我不是神灯精灵啦
I've said that I'm not a magic lamp genie
shī fù nǐ hǎo dǎi shì gè shén xiān yǒu diǎn jié cāo hǎo bù hǎo a
师父 你好歹是个神仙有点节操好不好啊
Master, you're a fairy anyway, a little bit of integrity, OK?
ō zhè me shuō lái
噢 这么说来
Oh so to speak
nǐ shì huī zhǎng zì jǐn lóu
你是挥掌自尽喽
You waved yourself
bù shì zhè yàng de ya
不是这样的呀
It's not like this
dāng shí de qíng kuàng shì zhè yàng de
当时的情况是这样的
The situation was like this
diē dì
爹地
Daddy
zhè bèi zi néng dāng nǐ de ér zi
这辈子能当你的儿子
Can be your son in this life
nǎ zhā zhēn de fēi cháng kāi xīn
哪吒真的非常开心
Nezha is really happy
qǐng yuán liàng hái ér bù xiào
请原谅孩儿不孝
Please forgive the child for being unfilial
nǐ men de yǎng yù zhī ēn
你们的养育之恩
Your nurturing grace
nǎ zhā zhǐ néng lái shì zài bào le
哪吒只能来世再报了
Nezha can only report again in the next life
bù yào a
不要啊
No
nǎ zhā
哪吒
Nezha
diē dì mā mī
爹地 妈咪
Daddy Mommy
cǐ qiú hái gěi nǐ men hái ér qù yě
此球还给你们 孩儿去也
Give this ball back to your children
ō yuán lái fā shēng le zhè yàng de shì a
噢 原来发生了这样的事啊
Oh, this happened
ń jiāng zi yá xiàn yǐ xià shān
嗯 姜子牙现已下山
Well Jiang Ziya is down the mountain now
zài zhè gè jié gǔ yǎn shàng nǐ kě bù néng cuò guò
在这个节骨眼上你可不能错过
You can't miss it at this juncture
wèi shī jiù pò lì bāng nǐ zhòng sù ròu shēn ba
为师就破例帮你重塑肉身吧
As a teacher, make an exception to help you reshape your body
nǐ qiě tīng wèi shī zhǐ lìng huì yǒu yī huì ér shī qù yì shí
你且听为师指令 会有一会儿失去意识
You will lose consciousness for a while if you listen to the instructions of the teacher
bù bì jīng huāng piàn kè jí hǎo
不必惊慌 片刻即好
Don’t panic for a while
wèi shī huì yòng cǐ jīn dān zhèn shè zhù nǐ de hún pò
为师会用此金丹震慑住你的魂魄
As a teacher, I will use this golden pill to frighten your soul
shāo hòu biàn jiāng nǐ tuī rù ròu shēn zhī zhōng lái
稍后便将你推入肉身之中 来
I will push you into the flesh later
líng lóng zi
玲珑子
Linglongzi
sù qù wǔ lián chí cǎi xiē lián huā hé yè lái
速去五莲池采些莲花荷叶来
Quickly go to Wulianchi to pick some lotus leaves
shì shī fù
是 师父
Is the master
hái quē shá ne
还缺啥呢
What else is missing
shī fù zhè sān gè lián ǒu hái méi zhuāng shàng qù ne
师父 这三个莲藕还没装上去呢
Master, these three lotus roots haven't been installed yet
a líng lóng zhè sān gè lián ǒu bù yào le
啊 玲珑 这三个莲藕不要了
Ah Linglong, these three lotus roots are gone
nǐ kuài qù zhāi liǎng gè dà diǎn de mù guā lái
你快去摘两个大点的木瓜来
Go pick two bigger papaya
shī fù zuì jìn xǐ huān mù guā ma
师父最近喜欢木瓜吗
Does Master like papaya lately?
wèn zhè me duō gàn shén me kuài qù la
问这么多干什么 快去啦
Why are you asking so much?
ó
哦
Oh
nián shí wàn gè lěng xiào huà
2016年 十万个冷笑话
100,000 cold jokes in 2016
dì sān jì quán miàn shēng jí
第三季 全面升级
Comprehensive upgrade in the third quarter
kàn zhāo
看招
watch out
kuài shǐ yòng hùn tiān líng hēng hēng hā xī
快使用混天绫 哼哼哈兮
Hurry up and use Hun Tian Ling
nà ní
那尼
Nani
jì néng gèng jiā huá lì
技能更加华丽
Skills are more gorgeous
zhè gè jià shì
这个架势
This posture
rú lái shén tóu chuí
如来神头槌
Tathagata
zěn me huì yǒu zhè me cuò de zhāo shì a
怎么会有这么挫的招式啊
How could there be such a frustrating move?
xíng xiàng gèng jiā qīng shuǎng
形象更加清爽
The image is more refreshing
kàn wǒ léi wá biàn shēn
看我雷娃变身
Watch me Reva transform
biàn xíng jīn gāng a
变形金刚啊
Transformers
huà zhì gèng jiā jīng liáng
画质更加精良
Better picture quality
wǒ yǒu gè hǎo fāng àn
我有个好方案
I have a good plan
kě yǐ qīng sōng dì gàn diào tā
可以轻松地干掉他
Can kill him easily
luó xuán tiān chōng
螺旋 天冲
Spiral skycock
gēn nǐ péng yǒu shí jǐ nián
跟你朋友十几年
With your friend for more than ten years
méi xiǎng dào nǐ jū rán shì zhè yàng de rén
没想到你居然是这样的人
I didn't expect you to be such a person
nèi róng gèng jiā jiàn kāng
内容更加健康
Content is healthier
wǒ bù guǎn dào nǎ lǐ dōu huì xī yǐn lái yī xiē qí guài de dōng xī
我不管到哪里 都会吸引来一些奇怪的东西
I will attract strange things wherever I go
shòu bù zhù le
受不住了
Can't stand it anymore
gèng xìng gèng jiā pín fán
更性更加频繁
More sex more frequently
sān nián hòu shí wǔ nián hòu wǒ lēi gè guāi guāi
三年后 十五年后 我勒个乖乖
In three years and fifteen years, I will be a good boy
gù shì gèng jiā kē xué
故事更加科学
The story is more scientific
zhè cì jué duì bù huì ràng nǐ tū pò la
这次绝对不会让你突破啦
I won't let you break through this time
gèng duō jīng cǎi děng nǐ lái kàn
更多精彩等你来看
More exciting waiting for you
wǒ yào xiāo miè zhè gè shì jiè la
我要消灭这个世界啦
I want to destroy this world
yī zhí wèi chuàn chuàn xīng ér zhàn ba
一直为串串星而战吧
Keep fighting for the stars
wān dòu bào jú huā la
豌豆爆菊花啦
Pea and chrysanthemum
jiàn zhèng qí jì de shí kè
见证奇迹的时刻
A moment to witness a miracle
nǎ zhà zhī sǐ
哪咤之死
Nezha's death
shì yīn wèi tā wā bí kǒng de shí hòu dǎo zhì
是因为他挖鼻孔的时候导致
Because when he picked his nostrils
bìng yuán tǐ rù qīn le bí qiāng
病原体入侵了鼻腔
The pathogen invaded the nasal cavity
rán hòu jīng guò jìng mài jìn rù hǎi mián dòu
然后经过静脉进入海绵窦
Then enter the cavernous sinus through the vein
zuì hòu yǐn qǐ le lú qiāng gǎn rǎn
最后引起了颅腔感染
Finally caused a cranial cavity infection
shāng dài de shí hòu wèi shēng tiáo jiàn jí chà
商代的时候卫生条件极差
In the Shang Dynasty, sanitary conditions were extremely poor
nǎ zhà yòu yī xīn xiǎng sǐ wā le nà me yī xià
哪咤又一心想死 挖了那么一下
Nezha tried to dig again
yī kàn gǎn rǎn le
一看感染了
Seen to be infected
nà jiù zhè yàng sǐ le bei
那就这样死了呗
Then die like this
Subtitles turned off
Wow! You're awesome!
Wow! You're awesome!
